I don't need to have done it all yet, or know exactly what being an artist means to me ...
Dear you,
Since graduation, I have moved four times. First in August, then November, January and finally in May. It's a mantra I repeat to myself in moments when I wonder why I haven't been more active in the arts this year. It's not that I haven't been active, quite the contrary. It is that I no longer spend every moment of the day engaged in my work process, that I no longer have a hunch at home over dinner or on my bike about what exactly is at the heart of what I am trying to touch in my work.
Now I have a home and a studio, and a half-hour bike ride in between
On the one hand, it is due to the idea that the academy was not only a school for me, but also a home, and that life became more intertwined as a result. If it was natural to have dinner together at the academy, it was just as natural to continue thinking about the next steps in your work process at home in the shower. Now I have a home -fixed this time- and a studio, and a half-hour bike ride in between, and the two feel more separate from each other than during my studies.
On the other hand, I believe I simply have not had the energy and space to be open to the potential of spontaneous promptings and actions every moment. I am tired, and the mantra helps me remind myself that I can be gentle with myself when I don't go to every exhibition, or can't fully devote myself to something. Life has been such a whirlpool of changes that have forced me to uproot myself and find temporary solid ground again in a new place, something paradoxical enough in itself, of course.
These fixed things gave life some structure again
Fortunately, there were some handles that were handed to me during my graduation, which in the past year have proven to be a very pleasant stepping stone to create some clarity in my busy personal life: in the form of graduation prizes I was given a studio to use for a year, I was allowed to participate in a work period in Breda, and I was allowed to do the Van Gogh residency in Zundert. These fixed things, which I could see coming from afar in my calendar, gave life some structure again. And besides, it gave me the opportunity to continue working on my art practice, make new contacts and gain experience in what it is like to do a residency, for example.
I don't have to have done it all yet, or know exactly what being an artist means to me
On a personal level, life has definitely been hectic, but on an artistic level, I'm actually quite satisfied. For example, I have learned better what kind of maker I am, and how I want to position myself. For example, I dare say with more certainty that it is no longer a search for my medium, but that the search is for which medium best suits a certain idea or feeling from which I want to create a work. And I have also noticed that a year is actually incredibly short, if you look at it from a broader perspective. I don't have to have done it all yet, or know exactly what being an artist means to me, nor do I have to be on every moment for that. There are certainly concrete things that I have done and made, but mostly it feels like in this year I have reestablished foundations by having had new experiences and made new fine contacts that I feel: in a while, maybe already a few years, this will prove incredibly valuable.
Love, Sam
Ps. What mantra gives you more peace?
Comments on Sam's question can be emailed to redactie@bk-info.nl
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